


Unfocused

by rawwrrr (ladyYellow)



Category: EXO (Band), Z.Tao (Musician)
Genre: Blind Character, Caretaking, Drabble Sequence, M/M, Mentioned Kim Joonmyun | Suho, Minor Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Wu Yi Fan | Kris, Racer!Huang Zitao, Racer!Kim Jongdae, Racers au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 09:11:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16552991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyYellow/pseuds/rawwrrr
Summary: He thought the collision would be painful. He had already had some accidents throughout his career as professional racer, and he knew from experience how traumatic it could be, especially if one couldn’t control the car during the collision. However, all he felt was a brief stabbing pain in the back of his head, or that’s what he thought it was.After that, he drifted away in unconsciousness.





	Unfocused

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know.  
>  _I don't know how to be in peace with myself._  
>  I originally wrote this in Spanish, with no characters in mind. Then I decided the world hasn't enough of my OTP and that I wanted to write it about them. So here's the final product.
> 
> Please enjoy~

**Red**

Korean racer Kim Jongdae pumped the brake pedal and closed his eyes tightly when he realised he wouldn’t be able to stop on time.

The pile of cars in front of him was starting to smoke when his red Corvette (Jongdae has always loved red color) crashed against the last car from that bunch of metal and glass.

He thought the collision would be painful. He had already had some accidents throughout his career as professional racer, and he knew from experience how traumatic it could be, especially if one couldn’t control the car during the collision. However, all Jongdae felt was a brief stabbing pain in the back of his head, or that’s what he thought it was.

After that, he drifted away in unconsciousness.

 

**Broken**

Chinese racer Huang Zitao doesn’t hear the collision through his intercom. He turned it off in the last laps to avoid the voices from distracting him. But he saw it.

He watched it happening through the screens on the finish line. As soon as he watched Jongdae car colliding, he slammed on the brakes to get a better picture of the pile of cars. Terrified, Zitao turned on his intercom again. “Gege?” silence. The race hasn’t finished yet, there were at least four more laps.

The silence on the line soon becomes unbearable, so Zitao starts his engine again.

He drives carefully, his hands are shaking and his heart is pumping furiously. He is sweating cold.

“Dae?” again, no answer.

Zitao is driving his Ferrari agonisingly slow, he doesn’t want to collide too. He doesn’t stop calling Jongdae anxiously, trying to calm himself.

 

**Smell**

The paramedics are at the racetrack when he arrives.

Zitao gets out of the car, without taking out his helmet, ready to help, although he freezes when he stares at Jongdae’s Corvette front completely crushed. The other cars aren’t better, and the sight is devastating.

He keeps completely still for a fraction of a second before realising no one is really trying to get out of the cars. The air smells like burned rubber, gasoline and blood. Zitao gags, but he controls himself.

The chinese driver peeks through the window of the Corvette. To his relief, Jongdae’s seatbelt is holding him away from the burning engine, a bruise is forming on his neck. Thankfully, the front glass of the car is in one piece, but it’s completely shattered. Jongdae’s temple is bleeding though, so there’s no wonder why he is unconscious.

Zitao looks for any sign of life from Jongdae. His chest is raising and falling rhythmically. Zitao cries.

“Gege- Resist, please” even unconscious, Jongdae has all his muscles tensed and a pained expression. “Help!” Zitao screams “Please, Jongdae’s here!” he squeezes Jongdae’s shoulder slightly. “You’ll be fine, gege” Zitao told him, but Jongdae doesn’t move at all.

 

**Sound**

Zitao is taken away from the car to rescue Jongdae. He stays close though, watching the paramedics placing him over a gurney and taking him to the ambulance.

“The patient is steady but unconscious. Possible concussion” Zitao doesn’t move. The others drivers are being rescued slowly too. His surroundings blur as he watches his boyfriend being evaluated quickly before the paramedics take him to the hospital.

Zitao doesn’t care about anything. The hustle of the others whimpering, who is conscious or not. He just waits for the permission to get into the ambulance with Jongdae. To know he is fine.

_“Wǒ bù huì líkāi nǐ, gege”_

 

**Insides**

“Mr. Huang, please. I know you’re worried but you have to stay inside the waiting room until we are sure Mr. Kim is alright” Zitao blinks several times, without really understanding what the nurse is telling him “We’re going to update you about his state as soon as we know something. But please, you must try to relax” the nurse looks at him fondly, staring at his hands. Zitao looks at them too, to realise he’s shaking. He looks at the nurse again, nodding apologetically. “It’s alright, I understand. I’ll ask a resident to bring you a sedative”

 _“Qǐng...”_ the nurse doesn’t understand, but she nods smiling anyway. Zitao rests his back against the wall, looking at the clock compulsively.

 

**What?**

After a while, in the same waiting room, Kyungsoo appears with two cups of tea. He offers one to Zitao, who grabs it unwillingly. Both of them exchange a tired look. Kyungsoo takes a sit by his side and drinks his tea quietly.

“You’re going to get sick if you keep worrying, Taozi” a heavy Korean accent greets him, but Zitao nods, before closing his eyes and starting to cry again. _It reminds him so much of Jongdae._ Kyungsoo hugs him and allows him to lean his head on his shoulder (amusing if you consider Zitao is at least ten centimeters taller than Kyungsoo).

“What if he never wakes up, gege?” Zitao sobs.

“He’s strong, you must have faith in him” the taller nods again, still crying.

“How is FanFan-ge doing?” he asks after a while.

“He’s in surgery, just an exposed fracture. He will be fine” Zitao nods again, not allowing Kyungsoo to leave his side.

Kyungsoo strokes his neck and shoulders, understanding his worries. He’s also afraid that Jongdae won’t wake up. The crash was awful enough for Kyungsoo to think Jongdae will have sequels. He doesn’t say that, though. Kyungsoo doesn’t want to worry Zitao even more.

Kyungsoo isn’t a racer, but he knows what it implies. He’s the boyfriend of Wu Kris, the Chinese-Canadian racer. He usually travels with him to watch him on his races, since he’s an editor, so he can work wherever he is.

 

**Friends**

The time passes by slowly. Zitao falls asleep and Kyungsoo adjusts his body into a comfortable position.

After a long while, two nurses come for them. They bring news for Kyungsoo about Yifan and for Zitao about Jongdae.

Kyungsoo hears relieved that Yifan is out of surgery and he is already resting, so he can visit him whenever he wants to. But Kyungsoo doesn’t move, he wants to listen about Jongdae too (now that he knows Yifan is out of danger).

“Mr. Huang, Mr. Kim Jongdae is awake now-” Zitao’s face loses all traces of tiredness when he hears ‘Jongdae’ “However- There’s something the doctor wants to talk with you. If you follow me, please...” Zitao blinks several times, before looking at Kyungsoo, pouting, asking for his presence. Kyungsoo nods slowly.

Kyungsoo remembers then that Zitao is just twenty-five years old, just like him. No matter how fierce he looks when he’s driving, how sexy and mature he looks wearing his suit, he’s still a kid, struggling to fit in an adult world. As Kyungsoo is.

“Excuse me, _ae-in_ _,_ can I come with my friend?” the nurse looks at Kyungsoo and smiles softly “Thank you” Kyungsoo bows slightly before looking at the other girl “I’ll come with you in a minute, _ae-in”_ the other girl nods, looking at the taller boy being followed by the smaller.

 

**Purple**

Once in the hospital room, Zitao looks at Jongdae in the gurney, awake and conscious, even when his eyes seem lost. Kyungsoo stares at him, before closing his eyes. It’s something he won’t forget soon. Some stitches here and there, and the bruises forming all over his body in shades of green, purple and black. His right cheek and temple are swollen. And no matter how many times the doctor is flashing the light in his eyes, even when his pupils react to the light, Jongdae's eyes don't respond.

“Mr. Huang. As you see, Mr. Kim is completely conscious” Zitao nods, barely hearing the doctor over Jongdae’s voice answering some questions “We have run some tests to see if Mr. Kim has brain damage, but that isn’t the case, fortunately. Mr. Kim will recover perfectly fine from his injuries” Zitao nods, without understanding why if everything is as ‘great’ as the doctor says, he doesn’t seem to be pleased with the information he’s giving him.

“However-?” he has had enough.

 

**Black**

“...I’m afraid he suffered damage in his optic nerve due to the trauma-”

“What does it means, doctor?”

“Mr. Kim has a severe vision loss”

“Is he blind? Aren’t his eyes working?”

“It’s not like that, Mr. Huang. Mr. Kim’s eyes are working, but the nerve that processes the information of what his eyes see and sends it to the brain is damaged. Right now, he can only distinguish lights, shadows and silhouettes”

“Oh” Zitao is in shock again, right about to drop to his knees, before Kyungsoo holds him.

 

**When?**

“Is it permanent, doctor?” Kyungsoo asks, worried.

“It’s something hard to answer, but there are good chances for Mr. Kim to recover-” Zitao blinks, trying to process everything as fast as he can. _He won’t be able to take care of himself, I should take care of him._

“Is there something to have in mind for taking care of him, doctor?” Zitao looks something in between overwhelmed and relieved.

“I’ll jot it on for you. Mr. Kim will stay here for a while, so we can monitorize his recovery. You should come and see him, son. He’s been asking for you since he woke up” Zitao looks at Kyungsoo and smiles slightly. _I can handle this, gege._ Kyungsoo looks unsure, but he nods. _I’ll be right here if you need me._ Kyungsoo then leaves the room to visit his own boyfriend.

 

**Sight**

Zitao gets in the room quietly, careful of not startling his boyfriend with the noise. The dark circles under Zitao’s eyes look more prominent now under the white light of the hospital room.

He grabs Jongdae’s hand, and leaves a soft kiss at the back. “I’m here, gege” Jongdae turns his head to Zitao’s voice and he smiles softly. He looks tired and in a lot of pain. Zitao would do anything to stop the pain from his gege. Jongdae’s brown eyes are trying to focus him, but at the same time it’s as if they have lost his spark.

“I can’t see your eyes, Taozi...” Jongdae struggles with his voice. He can barely manages a whisper before he starts to cry, holding Tao’s waist tightly. Tao is about to cry too, but he decides to be strong. _Who is going to hold Jongdae if Zitao can even take care of himself?_

“Don’t worry, gege. I’ll be your eyes” he strokes Jongdae’s back tenderly “You can’t imagine how happy I am that you’re alive, Dae. I was scared to lose you” Jongdae sobs again.

Jongdae keeps crying the rest of the morning until he’s tired enough (and Zitao is sure Jongdae’s puffy eyes don’t have more tears to cry). All that time, Tao never leaves Jongdae’s side, reciting loving and encouraging words in his boyfriend’s ear.

Zitao doesn’t know how exactly both of them ended up laying down on the gurney, with Jongdae over Zitao’s chest. The only recognisable trace of the accident, not considering all the bruises and scratches on Jongdae’s skin, is his unfocused eyes, wandering from one place to another, in an attempt of recognise _anything._

 

**Too much**

Nobody questioned when Jongdae’s manager and friend, Junmyeon, announced he wouldn’t come back to the races after his accident. Zitao would have loved to be right by Jongdae’s side in front of the press, but they didn’t want more pressure on the Korean racer.

That day was a terrible day, really. Jongdae was used to deal with the press and be playful with the reporters, always smiling, winking, looking at their eyes. Without being able to know what was going on in the room, he felt so lost. No matter how brilliant the lights were, he couldn’t recognise anything, the room was full of strangers, their voices were disorienting, and the only thing grounding him was Junmyeon being by his side, brushing his hand with his fingers from time to time.

“Racer Kim, could you tell us how the accident was?” “Racer Kim, how is your recovery going?” “Racer Kim, would you be able to see again?” “Racer Kim, if you recover, would you come back to the races?” It was too much, Jongdae was on the verge of crying. His eyes not focused on anything, wandering from one side to another. He wasn’t even able to speak with them because he didn’t feel strong enough. He just wanted to go home and rest.

“We’re sorry. The injury Jongdae suffered was severe. We don’t know if there’s a chance of a total recovery for him, so we’re taking this opportunity to thank you all for your support during his career, but this is it. All we ask now is to let him recover properly and respect his decision of leaving. Thank you”

 

**Independence**

Jongdae and Zitao decide it’s for the best if they move to Zitao’s Qingdao old house, where Jongdae can enjoy the salty breeze from the sea and the sun. The house has one open-concept floor, so Jongdae won’t have to struggle with stairs and walls. Some minor adaptations (like moving the furniture accordingly to Jongdae’s necessities) and they are ready to move in.

Adaptation time is hard. Jongdae cries and yells a lot because he can’t do all he was used to. Zitao yells back because _he’s trying_ and it’s not _his fucking fault, gege._ Jongdae knows that, but he’s still angry because there’s really nothing they can do to help him get better. If anything, they can avoid to get it worse.

What Jongdae misses the most is his independence. Zitao knows that, the same as Kyungsoo and Yifan. He feels oppressed with the simple fact to ask Zitao to help him set his clothes for the day. It kills him.

 

**White**

“I want to wear the pink polo and the navy blue jeans you bought me in Monaco. An a pair of white sneakers, please” Jongdae mumbles, almost unintelligible.

“Any especial pair, gege?” the younger is already taking the clothes from the closet, he’s getting better at understanding what his boyfriend mumbles. Jongdae shakes his head, and Zitao suppresses the need to sigh when he looks at his dancing eyes.

“Just something comfy, please...” at the end, it doesn’t matter if Jongdae looks outstanding or plainly ok.

 

**Why?**

A lot of things had changed since then. Zitao couldn’t keep with the racer lifestyle after the accident. Even when Jongdae didn’t ask for it, he became his full-time carer. Well, maybe not _full-time_ , because now he’s teaching Wushu in the small province of Qingdao they’re living in, but he gives Jongdae as much time as he can.

Zitao left without explaining why he wasn’t going to compete anymore. He only commented something about having ‘personal issues’, but nothing else. He still thinks it was pretty obvious. One just has to see how he reacted when he saw the Corvette crashing, or how he practically run into the ambulance with him. They weren’t that open with their relationship anyway.

 

**Outsides**

What Jongdae misses is certainly driving.

After the accident he swore he was never going to go up into that _evil machines_ once again, but the truth is he doesn’t do it because that way, he is reminded of what he lost.

Zitao offered him countless times to drive him around Qingdao in his own Ferrari, but Jongdae always refuses.

“No, I don’t want you to take me in your car to God knows where, Taozi. I fucking want to be able to drive there myself!” Zitao remains silent, with the keys of the car in his hand. “What interest could I have with the outsides now that I can’t see anything? I’d give anything to see your eyes one more time, but I can’t. It doesn’t even hurt physically, it hurts mentally Taozi, it hurts so much-” Jongdae is crying.

“I’m so sorry this happened, gege”

“It’s not your fault, Tao”

“Nor it was yours”

 

**Death**

They’re enjoying the sun in their backyard, sitting side by side.

“You could have died in that accident, but you didn’t, and I’m very thankful for it. What would I do without you, gege?” Zitao pouts. Jongdae can hear the pout in his voice and he smiles, slightly.

“I can’t be much of a help right now, Taozi. You take care of me most of the time-”

“I don’t mind at all. All I want for you is to be happy, so take your time to recover. I won’t leave you, Dae” Zitao squeezes Jongdae's hand and he squeezes it back.

“What if I can’t recover...?” Jongdae’s voice is merely a whisper, but Zitao listens. He hugs him tightly. It has been more than twelve weeks now and he can't get used yet to that emptiness in his eyes.

“There’s still plenty of time”

“But-”

“If you don’t recover at all, we’ll learn to live with that. We’re managing ourselves just fine, don’t you think gege?” Jongdae wants to disagree but he doesn’t. They’re _trying._

Hundreds, _thousands_ of attempts for Jongdae memorise where the furniture was, how his clothes were organised, where the bathroom were, how far is the beach from their backyard, where are the dishes, where are his meds being kept. Not less attempts for Zitao not to forget that he must leave everything in the same place always, to not move the furniture, to always put Jongdae’s clothes in the exact same order...

 

**Water**

Jongdae removes in their bed, not sure if it’s early or late because the lightning in the room is not appropriate.

“Gege, go back to sleep, it’s still dark” Jongdae blinks several times. _Right, he can’t see._

“You go back to sleep, Taozi. I’m going to grab some water” Zitao whines and Jongdae chuckles. The younger removes, struggling to get out of the bed. “Don’t. I can get it myself”

“Are you sure, gege?”

“Of course, Taozi”

 

**Anywhere**

Zitao feels Jongdae’s weight over the bed once again. If it wasn’t for the circumstances, Zitao would tell Jongdae’s is glaring at him. “What is it, Dae?”

“I was hoping you could drive us somewhere, baby peach~” Zitao frowns. He looks at the clock on the bedside table. Barely five fifty two in the morning.

“Where do you want to go at this hour, gege?”

“I don’t mind, as long as you describe me what you see, we should be fine” Zitao stands up from the bed, looking surprised at a dressed Jongdae, waiting patiently for him to get ready. "Though, I was thinking about visiting Yifan-ge and Kyungsoo-yah. They're in Beijing right now, aren't they?" Zitao smiles.

“Sure”

 

**Sunrise**

Jongdae smiles at the purring of the engine. He has his eyes closed, because that way he can focus on feeling the wind and the soft warm in his nape. This way he can picture in his mind Zitao driving, with that serene expression he always loved. There’s silence. Jongdae hums from time to time a soft melody. He knows Zitao loves his voice.

Jongdae opens his eyes, to look a glint of the sun in the rear mirror. He laughs, excited.

“Was the sunrise always this beautiful, Taozi?” Zitao frowns, but then he looks at the rear mirror too and he understands. The sun is shining shyly barely above the mountains from the landscape.

“Did you-?” Jongdae laughs, happily. Almost a year taking the stupid medication, but it worthed.  _He's getting better._

“I did, I did!” Zitao laughs too, not looking away from the road.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Wǒ bù huì líkāi nǐ** \- I won't leave you  
>  **Qǐng** \- Please  
>  **Ae-in (애인)** \- Sweetheart
> 
> Let me know how I did it (I'm not really sure it worked as I wanted to).  
> Thanks for reading ♥


End file.
